BEING IN BETWEEN

Känner för att skriva av mig lite idag. Det var länge sedan jag gjorde något personligare inlägg, men känner att det kanske är på tiden nu. Tankarna har snurrat på högvarv på sistone.

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Den senaste tiden har jag känt mig så otroligt rotlös. Det känns som att jag liksom fastnat emellan två av livets perioder och nu svävar i vakuumet som uppstår efter att en period slutat men nästa inte ännu tagit vid. Tiden sedan flytten till Berlin har varit ett jävla äventyr men de senaste veckorna har jag verkligen stannat upp, försökt få lite perspektiv på året som forsat förbi och samtidigt greppa någon form av ledtrådar till hur det ska komma att påverka min framtid.
Ibland blir jag överväldigad av strömmen av tankar som verkar helt outtömlig när jag släpper barriärerna och låter dem härja fritt i mig. Antagligen beror det på att jag spenderat mycket tid med mig själv på sistone. Det senaste året har jag ständigt haft flera nya och gamla vänner runt omkring mig, men helt plötsligt vaknade jag upp en morgon i Berlin och insåg att mina allra närmsta har åkt hem till Sverige eller är påväg bort.
När det inte hela tiden finns rumskamrater/bästisar och andra favoritmänniskor att omge sig med lämnar det mycket tid åt att diskutera med sig själv. Och tro mig, jag älskar att vara själv. Den senaste tiden har jag tagit långa långa promenader, läst, inte behövt bråka om film-val med Fanny som sett alla filmer i hela världen eller Gnusse som alltid ska envisas med att se de svåraste, konstigaste filmerna man kan få tag på. Inte behövt kompromissa med någon alls och kunnat jobba hur mycket jag vill.

Men det är såklart mycket annat som satt mina tankar i rullning på sistone; långa skype-samtal med vänner som börjat plugga och plötsligt känns så himla vuxna, känslan av att europa (och världen) blir kallare och kallare (att se vakter med stora vapen i händerna på grund av den höjda säkerheten på flygplatserna jag besökt den senaste tiden känns så overkligt och ledsamt) och att jag snart klippt mina band till Umeå på riktigt då Mamma och Pappa ska lämna Norrland för att dra ut på vägarna i europa och jag till slut sagt upp förstahandskontraktet på min lilla etta. Sånt.

Jag har aldrig haft så många möjligheter som jag har just nu, jag kan på riktigt göra vad jag vill med det kommande året. Resa, satsa på jobbet, flytta hem till bästisarna, stanna i Berlin och bygga upp ett nytt socialt nätverk och nya favoritmänniskor att luta sig mot eller bara fokusera på att utveckla mig själv.
Problemet är att frihet också kan vara en last om man inte vet vad man vill (JA jag vet att det är världshistoriens värsta i-landsproblem men det är onekligen något som tar över hela mig just nu). Jag kommer aldrig ha så många möjligheter som jag har nu men jag vet inte. Jag har ingen fucking aning om vad jag vill göra härnäst och jag känner mig så rädd för att ångra mina val i efterhand. Jag känner så tydligt att jag är i något slags skifte i livet, men det känns lite oschysst av ödet att inte ge mig en enda ledtråd till vad som väntar runt hörnet.

Är det någon av er som känner igen sig i det här? Eller kanske till och med som sitter på lite livsråd till en velig själ som mig?

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I feel like letting my thoughts out today. It was a long time since I wrote a more personal post, now I feel like I have no choice. My thoughts has been all over the place lately.

I’ve been feeling incredibly rootless recently. I feel like I’m stuck in between two of life’s periods and now I’m hovering in the vacuum that appears when one period has ended but the next one hasn’t started just yet. The time since my move to Berlin has been a real adventure but the last few weeks I’ve been slowing down, trying to get some perspective of the year that flushed past and trying to grab some kind of clues to how it will affect my future.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the stream of thoughts that seem infinite when I release the barriers and let it run freely in me. Probably it’s because I’ve spent a lot of time by myself lately. This past year I’ve constantly had a number of new and old friends around me, but suddenly I woke up one morning in Berlin and realized that all of my closest ones have gone home to Sweden or are on their way to leave Berlin.
When roommates, best friends and favorite people surrounds you 24/7 anymore, you get a lot of time discussing things with yourself. And believe me, I love to be by myself. Lately, I have been taking long long walks, reading books, not had to argue about which movie to watch with Fanny who has seen every movie in the world or Gnusse who always insists on watching the oldest, strangest films you can get hold of. I haven’t had to compromise with anyone at all, and been allowed to work as much as I want to.

There are of course many other things that has set my mind in motion lately; Long skype conversations with friends who’s started studying and suddenly feel so adult-like, the feeling that the atmosphere in Europe (and the world) gets colder and colder (seeing guards with big guns in their hands due to the increased security at airports I’ve visited recently feels so unreal and sad), and that I’ll soon cut my connection to my hometown Umeå for real since Mom and Dad will leave Sweden to go out on the roads of Europe, and I finally ended my contract for the little one room apartment I had there. Stuff like that.

I have never had so many opportunities as I have right now, I can really do whatever I want to do the coming year. Travel, focus on work, move back to my best friends, stay in Berlin and building a new social network and find new favorite people to lean on, or just focus on developing myself.
The problem is that freedom also gives you pressure if you don’t know what you want to do with it (yes I know it is history’s worst first world problem, but it’s still something that’s taking over my head atm). Cause I don’t know. I have no idea, not even a clue, of what I want to do next and I feel so afraid to regret my choices looking back at this period of life in a few years. I feel so clearly that I’m in some kind of shift in my life, but I think fate could have been a little nicer and given me just a single clue to what’s around the corner.

I guess that many of you guys are about my age. Do you recognize this feeling? Or do any of you have some life advices to give?

24 responses to “BEING IN BETWEEN

  1. Rory skriver:

    Well,I am in college at the moment (law) and it feels like that postponed the decisions you have now,for me.
    So I can’t really say I know what you are going through but what I would do is take a few days just to think about it like this; ex.on monday I would imagine how it would be (my days,my thought,opportunities) if I stayed in Berlin, on tuesday I would think how it would all look like if I went back to Sweden, on wednesday some third option etc. And I would write down my feelings, thoughts and observations. In the end of the week,I would look back on my notes and decide. What made me feel the best, what did I like the most and what day did I feel most depressed/least excited. Taking everything in the account,I would probably make a decision.
    Or you know what they say- flip a coin. What you are secretly hoping to be ,while the coin is still in the air, is the choice you actually want.

  2. hmhm skriver:

    Det ar verkligen skitjobbigt nar man ar i en san period da man maste gora val, men vad jag tror ar viktigt ar att paminna sig om att det nodvandigtvis inte behover vara sa dramatiskt eller absolut. Att forsoka sluta tankar tankar som ”Nu ska jag valja mitt liv!”, ”Jaha.. vad vill jag jobba med resten av mitt liv?”. Sverige finns kvar, Berlin finns kvar och alla andra stader och manga mojligheter kommer finnas kvar. E.x. om du vill plugga i Sverige om 2 ar (eller tom 10 ar) sa har du den mojligheten! Det ar inte sa att man bara har en chans att gora ratt och before you know it sa sitter du ensam i ett gratt kontor och angrar allt. Man bara borjar gora nagot tycker verkar bra, och om du inte kanns bra sa slutar man med det och gor/valjer nagot annat. Livet ar ju inte spikrakt, utan krokigt och man kan gora hur manga u-svangar man vill.

    Lite flummigt forklarat menmen.

  3. Jenny skriver:

    Jag satt i precis samma sits för två år sedan. Hade verkligen alla möjligheter i världen, men jag satt där nere i södra Frankrike och var ändå inte fulländad. Så jag åkte hem igen, till den lilla byn jag lovat mig själv att aldrig återvända till, med motivationen att jag kan alltid åka tillbaka ner till Frankrike om det är det jag vill senare. Eller vart som helst i världen för den delen. Bästa beslutet någonsin! Att åka hem dit man har rötterna, känner till vartenda liten sväng, och har massor med barndomsminnen, det är det som ger själen ro. Jag var så rädd att jag skulle ångra mig, men nu längtar jag inte tillbaks för fem öre! Skulle det knipa så är det varken svårt eller dyrt att åka på semester 🙂 Lycka till Ebba!

  4. Roxana skriver:

    Dear Ebba,
    I have silently followed you for at least 3 years and a half by now. I am 25, lived, worked or studied in the U.S., Portugal, Belgium, and Romania and therefore I can completely relate with the ”rootless” feeling you’ve been experiencing lately. I totally resonate with how overwhelming having too many options, chances, or roads ahead can feel. The course of action which helped me get some clarity and direction proved to be: studying and volunteering. And when I say studying or volunteering, I don’t mean doing it in your familiar environment. I mean doing something disruptive, like volunteering in Malaysia or Argentina, or getting a degree that you feel passionate about in South Korea or New Zealand.

    I learned that sometimes, when the conversation with oneself doesn’t return any answer, but more confusion or thoughts, the way to escape and get some perspective is by doing something disruptive. That’s when the conversation with oneself starts again :).

    Best of luck and happy roads ahead! 🙂

  5. Francesca skriver:

    I know exactly how you’re feeling right now! Last year I left my hometown to moved to another country and I asked myself the same questions: have you done the right thing? Is this that you really want? It’s gonna be too hard or you can do that? I’ve left everyone and everything behind and I’ve started a completely new life and now I’m really happy but that’s a thing which has to be done by steps and not in a day. Take time to find who you are or who you want to be and then face life: start and don’t stop if you find obstacles on your way, meet new people, feel ”comfortable in your new skin”…maybe it’s gonna be hard but believe me it worth it!
    Good luck!

  6. Karine skriver:

    Hej Ebba,
    Gosh how I relate to what you’re writing. It’s not an easy moment. The future is scary because we don’t know what will happen, and at the same time we’re afraid of losing a part of our present if we make a decision. And at the same time it’s not pleasant to stay in this indecisive state.
    I want to share with you what someone reminded me yesterday – which you probably already have heard -, because it felt good that someone else said it : ”What if there’s no wrong choice and no right choice? In each choice we can’t predict everything that is going to happen ; some of the experience will be good, some of it won’t be that good. But the point is that we can’t know/decide most of what is going to happen…”
    Even if in the end I barely know you, I totally trust you and the choices you will make. I totally have faith that you’ll find what feels the most ‘right’ for you at that moment.
    One last thing : as a close friend of mine always says : ”There are only three things I’m sure about in this world : that we’re all going to die, the gravity force and change…” 🙂 Change/movement that happen at every moment, whether we want it or not.
    Take care

  7. Ebba skriver:

    Åh gud ja, jag känner verkligen EXAKT som du! Finns så mycket som låter kul men hur vet en liksom vad en vill och vad som är rätt?

  8. Karolin skriver:

    En hemlis: Oavsett vad du väljer kommer det bli så himla himla bra. Och om det inte blir bra kommer du kunna ångra dig. Och ångra dig igen.

    Det är verkligen kasst att sväva i ovisshet och känna pressen på sig att varenda val en gör ska vara utvecklande och det en får ut absolut mest av. Nu är jag världens största klyscha men det är ju den krokiga vägen som gör en intressant i slutändan. Att vara en vandrande motsägelse, paradox, inte passa in i någons mall efter vad du borde ha gjort och upplevt. Du kanske stannar i Berlin, börjar plugga, du kanske hoppar av, du kanske läser en kurs i något du inte alls vet något om. Du kanske aldrig känner att det du gör nu är 100% det du borde göra just precis nu. Men försök att vila i att tanken att den känslan kommer för väldigt få väldigt sällan. Det enda konkreta rådet, som är ganska allmängiltigt, är väl att våga! Ofta blir en ju himla bekväm i sin situation och miljö. Det är egentligen inget fel men jag tror förändring är bra, alltid alltid alltid. Fråga kompisar, hälsa på i skolor, var själv och försök komma underfund med vad som är viktigt för dig just nu. Och om du inte kommer fram till något trots många funderingar: Gör något du aldrig gjort förut. Nya erfarenheter ger nya insikter.

    Det finns inga rätt eller fel. Och om det blir fel kan man göra om.
    Puss!

  9. Miu skriver:

    Lucky you! Yes, I know.. at the moment it feels like you’re lost and you don’t know what comes next which can be quite scary at times. I had these feelings myself a few years ago when I traveled a lot and was faaar away from home. But now I became a lot calmer and surer of myself (still many things to figure out, but at least it feels like the things going in a certain direction now). How to do that? Well there is not one single path to follow and there is no magical spell to use.. but this isn’t a helpful advice at all. So my advice would be to do one or more of these things, that helped me along the way:
    – I went on a special trip (hiking) all by myself which was great and exhausting and superb 🙂 (for more info on that just email me and I’ll let you know more about that one)
    – as you have a job already you might not have the time to study a full time you might want to do it part time? Just if later when you’re older you’d like to work in a company, or have your own company and need some important skills for that
    http://www.studieren-berufsbegleitend.de/teilzeitstudium-in-berlin/
    – and when you chose one place to stay – engange in a hobby. it might be sports, singing, dancing, all the stuff you do in a team where you meet locals (like students in you age) – a social network is so so important!
    – and for more advice email me, there are a few more thoughts on that..

    All the best!
    (oh and if you enjoy reading you should go for Liz Gilberts Eat Pray Love! 😉 )

  10. Miu skriver:

    Lucky you! Yes, I know.. at the moment it feels like you’re lost and you don’t know what comes next which can be quite scary at times. I had these feelings myself a few years ago when I traveled a lot and was faaar away from home. But now I became a lot calmer and surer of myself (still many things to figure out, but at least it feels like the things going in a certain direction now). How to do that? Well there is not one single path to follow and there is no magical spell to use.. but this isn’t a helpful advice at all. So my advice would be to do one or more of these things, that helped me along the way:
    – I went on a special trip (hiking) all by myself which was great and exhausting and superb 🙂 (for more info on that just email me and I’ll let you know more about that one)
    – as you have a job already you might not have the time to study a full time you might want to do it part time? Just if later when you’re older you’d like to work in a company, or have your own company and need some important skills for that
    http://www.studieren-berufsbegleitend.de/teilzeitstudium-in-berlin/
    (gives your daily life some more structure as well)
    – and when you chose one place to stay – engange in a hobby. it might be sports, singing, dancing, all the stuff you do in a team where you meet locals (like students in you age) – a social network is so so important!
    – and for more advice email me, there are a few more thoughts on that..

    All the best!
    (oh and if you enjoy reading you should go for Liz Gilberts Eat Pray Love! 😉 )

  11. Lisa skriver:

    Hi Ebba, seems that Most people face This Diskussion one Day. I did IT the way Roxana recommended. When I left school with 18 I only knew that I want to leave home, do a volunteer year somewhere near the North Sea and mayby Study a natural science some Day.
    All my friends from school stayed At home, went to univarsity And I moved away. I were still in the Same country, but I knew nobody, Not even the girl I shared a flat with. IT was the best decision I could ever take.
    Today I aam studying chemistry because I loved the work in the laboratory during my voluntary year that much. Again I moved to a completly different area in Germany.
    Maybe you can just sit down and take the 3 or 4 ideas what your Future could be Like and ”work them out”. For example think concret which subject you Like to Study At which City, if you’ve got a dream Job work out which education you need in Detail, things Like that.
    Listen to your stomach which Plan seems to be the best and Try IT out. You’ll notice Quick if IT was the wrong decision and be wiser afterwards.
    Hope the Text is readable, my Phone wants to autocorrect IT to German 🙂
    What ever you’ll do, I’m curios About your decision.

  12. Sivan skriver:

    Hi Ebba! I’ve been following you for some time now, and have always admired how driven, creative and mature you are. I’ll keep my advice to you short and meaningful (hopefully!). Don’t worry about making choices you may regret later. You have already accomplished incredible things, and have so much ahead of you. Regret is something you fabricate in your mind…all experiences are valuable in their own way, it just depends on how you look at them 🙂
    You got this!

    Sivan

  13. alsu skriver:

    I live through the same last year and a half. After finishing the uni i had really bad feelings. So i moved to the city i love but in the end of the year i found that i don’t see my future. I mean u like stuck in a bog and can’t move. It’s the property of the city. U are like always on the bottom, and u don’t really have to do a thing. It’s a king of excisting. I liked it first. And of course lonelyness. I had friends there but anyway in the end i run to the other city. I realised that the one thing that makes me a little more happy is travel. and nature. So i found a job that could make me able to earn enough money and have enough spare time. Hope beeing on the road will help me to understand or find sth. Hope we all do.

  14. Itzel N. skriver:

    Hey, Ebba
    I completely understand the feeling and I think it’s a normal thing to go through in your early 20s. We’re taught that we have to choose a path for our lives early on and there’s a lot of pressure when we don’t know what it is. The only advice that I can give you is to enjoy the moment you’re living, see the bright side of things and follow your heart. Do whatever makes you happy even if you’re not sure it’s the right decision. I can assure you that whatever choice you make, it is the right one and you won’t regret it. Life is an education process and every single thing we go through is a valuable lesson 🙂
    A big hug from Mexico x

  15. Rebecka skriver:

    I think this happens svereral times in a persons life, for me when I was going to start university I was scared of moving away but still excited and I knew in my heart that I wanted to go. It’s been 3 years now and I still miss home, and I’ll always miss that time in my life, but I would never go back. I believe that we always will miss certain periods in our lifes but it can’t be the same again, and it’s ok to be sad about that but the future is even more important. I think it’s important that when you have to make a choice, not to make the easy one because it’s comfortable and instead follow your gut because it will tell you what you really want even if it scares you. For my part I wouldn’t move back just because I have friends there, I would choose to do what I love and having trust in that my friends always will be there because they know it’s what I want and need in my life. And who can say that you can’t to a little bit of everything? I’m sure that you could study and work at the same time or work in the semesters between the school years (summer/winter) and be with friends and travel. Why would you have to choose just one thing? 🙂 And also, we are young, I think it’s important to embrace that knowing that the freedom might be somewhat scary and all the new responsibilities as a young adult but it also is the time for doing new things and explore life and the world and not back down because we are scared of the unknown. I think the only thing we’ll regret is making a choice because it is easy or expected of you instead of following your heart and dreams. Because at this point anything is possible 🙂 I hope you can find your way soon! Best of luck!

  16. Isabell skriver:

    If you want to hear my advice, go and start travelling the world and move in another direction.
    Check out some other stuff apart from fashion blogging. Keep blogging though!

    I am 20 years old, from Berlin and started travelling last November. I have been to Thailand, Australia and Indonesia so far, and I can tell you I’ve had the craziest adventures and met some really interesting souls! Next destination is India and I’m really excited about it!

    Since I’m travelling I learned so much about myself and found out more and more what life is about for me. It’s freedom. The freedom to do what you want, to spend time with just people who make you happy and from who you can leran, to care about yourself, your mind and your body. Our lives are still so long, and there are so many ways in which we can make the world a better place. First you have to find out more about yourself. and about our world alltogether.
    Travelling shows you so much, teaches you so much and lets yourself see you in a different light. You start seeing the world from different perspectives.

    I really believe you are incredible as a person/friend. And I think you are in a position, where you just simply can take your freedom and go make some adventures, find yourself hiking on top of a volcano in bali, sitting on the back of a motorcycle in bangkok, climbing a 50m high eucalyptus tree in australia, snorkelling in the endless blue somewhere on a beautiful spot on earh.
    Just do whaterver you like. Think about the most beautiful place you want to be, and just go there.

    Write down on a piece of paper, how your perfect dream day looks like. And start making that dream to reality. There are really no boundaries.

    You can make money from all over the world with your blog. That’s the best thing that can possibly happen to you.
    You should really think about going abroad, just with a one way ticket and no further plans. Go with the flow

    I bet you would be so happy, relaxed and healthy doing that. You would enjoy it.

    Here are some People which inspire me at the moment check it out:
    Stacey Dooley investigates
    https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=stacey+dooley+investigates
    Russel Brand
    https://www.youtube.com/user/russellbrand
    Venus Project
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KphWsnhZ4Ag
    Conni (is a german blog maybe you can understand a bit of it)
    http://www.planetbackpack.de/

    I’m excited what you will decide to do.
    I wish you all the best! Go out and do whatever feels right!

    Isabell

  17. Isabell skriver:

    also a really good documentary: four horseman

  18. Roxana skriver:

    Back with my motto of life, which I have discovered in a similar period as the one you’re going through, and it inspired me a lot: ”step into the fire of self-discovery; it will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not” 🙂

  19. Caroline (LovelyEbbz) skriver:

    Ebba Hey , yesterday I did not have time to read your post so I read today . You just 20, these last years have been busy in your career blogger – model- is as normal images and find yourself thinking about next year . I am more than sure that many opportunities because we arrived , you’re so good at your job that everything goes so cool , natural and fun. Disconnect from your hometown or friends , think what you’re doing because if you like so, the people around you and supporting you WILL admiring , and this includes your hometown . Loved ones will always be with you that’s for sure , you can make more friends in Berlin so that when you want to be with someone you can count on them. Expressing feelings is so very admirable , you are a wonderful person . Remember that if one chapter closes , another opens. I love you, Ebbz . You always have my support.

  20. Hedda skriver:

    Feel ya girl!! Kommer till berlin på söndag <3

  21. Agnes skriver:

    Åh!

    Känner igen mig så mycket! Jag tar studenten till våren och dagligen kretsar tankar som ”Tänk om jag inte kommer in på skolan, vad gör jag då?” ”Vad ska jag göra?”
    Som så många kloka fina människor tidigare sagt, det läser sig, vi kan ångra oss, bytta riktning. Och det känns ju skönt när en tänker på att det kanske inte är livsviktigt att fatta ”det rätta” beslutet. För det kanske inte existerar ett ”rätt” beslut utan fler. Lycka till och massa kramar!

  22. Darren skriver:

    Ebba, you consistently take amazing photos, but this post is by far one of your best in regards to your writing. It’s been a while since we have gotten a glimpse into the real Ebba, so I’m glad you took a moment to express how you are feeling at this particular point in time.

    And yes, I know how you feel. I’m not sure that feeling you have right now ever goes away completely though. You’re always going to be looking for what’s next in some particular area of your life. Just do what you can RIGHT NOW to be thankful for where you are and the abundant choices you have available to you.

    I don’t have any answers for you really… but I can tell you this: ENJOY… EVERY… MOMENT.

    Keep up the good work!

  23. Martina skriver:

    åh, jag brukar aldrig kommentera på bloggar (jag vet världssämst bloggläsare) men nu måste jag svara för jag känner igen mig så himla mycket i det du skriver. Jag är 25 år och mina år mellan 20-24 är så mitt i prick med den känslan du beskriver. Jag visste inte alls vad jag vill göra, bara att det fanns oändligt med vägar att gå. Jag, reste, jobbade, flyttade till Oslo och detta var så himla bra för mig, gav mig supermycket såklart men den typ av rastlöshet som du beskriver fanns där lite till och från. Förra året började jag plugga i fantastiska Norrköping och nu känner jag någonstans att jag hittat rätt. Jag fattar känslan att ha ”för många” alternativ, jag tror bara att det viktigaste är ATT du väljer, sen kommer du kanske ångra dig men det är ju helt okej! Jag tror livet formas efter tiden och fel väg kanske leder helt rätt om inte annat kommer du få en mängd erfarenheter på vägen (klyschigt, jag vet men också sant). Gör det du väljer fullt ut så lovar jag att det kommer bli bra och för guds skull ångra ingenting! <3

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